You say “mansplaining” like it’s a bad thing.

The PR people for the MRA movement do an awful job.

Darren Coleshill | Unsplash

I’ve discovered my calling: spokesperson of the Men’s Rights Activism movement, because I know how it feels to have my victim complex dismissed as socially inappropriate.

In my background I have at least one instance of thoughtless remarks aimed at me by a Chad about my sexual prowess. He was a weak-chinned, dude-bro kind of person, with a love affair primarily carried on with his Chevy Malibu and pretenses toward alpha male status.

Which, if I learned anything from the mean streets of Denver (and I did), is an imprecation not to be sat down for. I know a thing or two after a couple of decades on God’s green Earth.

Even the mere suggestion that I may be other than completely male in my sexuality could only be answered in one way.

So I very firmly wrote the name of this blaggard down in a little book to remember to recruit his ass to the Men’s Rights Activism movement.

There’s no better qualification to the Men’s Rights Activism movement than a willingness to laugh at a fellow man just because he’s fastidious and tidy. Because, as all men know, fastidiousness and tidiness are the hallmarks of the gays.

We love to call it “God’s green Earth” in the Men’s Rights Activism movement. I mean, our position at the top of reality must have been begotten. We couldn’t have simply earned it. Its inviolability must have come from somewhere, and it could only have come from something bigger and more important than us.

And since men made almost everything, then the only thing that could have made us is whatever made the thing we didn’t make. Which was rocks.

We can totally explain how we invented everything, except rocks.

We could have made rocks. I mean, we’ve made rocks since the beginning of time. It’s called concrete, which are better rocks than rocks are. But we didn’t originally make rocks. So whoever made rocks must have made men.

So, like, God must be a slightly bigger bad ass than man.

It just stands to reason.

It’s okay that it doesn’t make any sense, because we can console ourselves that anyone who doesn’t understand just hasn’t got the capacity to understand. If they disagree, it’s because they’re jealous. If they suggest an alternate theory, it’s because they’re delusional.

If they ask us for evidence of our position, it’s because they’re willfully misunderstanding the obviousness of the gift of God’s green Earth.

That is just the way things are. Stands to reason. If it’s God’s green Earth, and God said that man got made in His image, then obviously it’s man’s green Earth, really, and we’re just letting God take credit for the bits we could have managed, but it was more convenient to let God take care of it. Like rocks. And penises.

See? I understand the whole thing. I’m the perfect guy to be a spokesman (not spokesperson, of course) for the Men’s Rights Activism movement.

Which we sort of need — a spokesperson. Because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re not doing too well in the area of public relations right now.

People keep implying with their films and their marches and their general prevaricating remarks that maybe men aren’t the natural pinnacle of existence. Which just doesn’t scan as far as I’m concerned.

Does “MRA movement” sounds like a euphemism for having “bathroom business.” Or is that just me? Might be just me.

The best part of being a mime is never having to say I’m sorry.