My Routine Hack for Easy and Fast Success on Medium: Mostly Sex Appeal

Get Fast and Easy Largely Medium Success

(Did I Mention Successful Hacking Large Medium Numbers can be Fast and Easy?)

(And Loose?)

Fast, Easy, Hacking, Medium, Large, Easy, Success! Tricks Hacks!

FIRE! Photo by Thomas Bjornstad on Unsplash

If you follow this easy to learn technique, I can personally guarantee EITHER success on Medium OR sore wrists.

Either way, you will have a demonstrable increase in the evidence of efforts you’ve put into your presence on Medium.

The Technique!

  1. Sex
  2. Copying
  3. Pretending
  4. Absorbing the advice of the successful
  5. Something I forget
  6. Probably isn’t important

First: Sex Appeal.

“Sex is emotion in motion.” — Mae West

The most important key to gaining huge attention — I mean success — on Medium is to forget about the writing.

Basically, nobody will give a shit about what you have to say if you look and sound bangable.

“Sexy is the new legitimate.” — Anonymous sexy person

People have had their faith shaken in experts and journalists and world leaders, so forget about trying to be intelligent or convincing.

Keep your words short. Nobody will have sex with an elitist.

And make sure that you have the right kind of winsome, thousand mile stare in your profile picture. If you yourself aren’t good at winsome, thousand mile stares, as most of us aren’t, just find a stock image of a good looking model who has similar coloration to you and use that for your profile picture. That’s what I always do.

Second: Copy the experts.

“All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.” — Mae West (Mae West. A person of great wisdom.)

They get a lot of attention — I mean, achieve a lot of success — for a reason, right?

There’s nothing new under the sun.

Which isn’t even my phrase. I stole it from a guy.

But it works, right? It hits your right in the gut, because we all want new things, and most of us live under the sun.

That’s what I mean. The best trick for ensuring that whatever you’re writing on Medium will be popular is to do market research.

“Popular approval is basically the same as truth, isn’t it? May as well be. Can you bring me a sandwich? Chicken salad? Thanks.”— Anonymous popular person

The way I do market research is go and find some of the most popular stories I can find and then basically write the same story.

You don’t need to be an expert on libertarianism or bullying or music history if you copy other people.

Obviously, they already did their research. They must have. They have all these people approving of their stories, so it must be true.

Third: Be yourself! (in this context, “be yourself” means “hide all your flaws, individuality, opinions, or vulnerabilities,” because that stuff makes people uncomfortable)

“To err is human — but it feels divine.” — Mae West (Man. I’m glad I found this Mae West person today.)

People say that they want human connection. But what they actually want is to feel good about themselves.

The most important thing to remember about writing on Medium is to be yourself! As long as you are charming and appealing and likable without being too interesting.

If you aren’t like that, you’re probably safer “being yourself” in a different way than you usually are.

“Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.” — The Internet

Try being “yourself” by pretending that you are how you imagine somebody likable is.

Like, I don’t know, hit TV star David Krumholtz. He seems pretty likable.

Fourth: Feel productive by scanning as much advice as possible (especially mine — be sure to clap and follow)

“An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.” — Mae West (Cousin of Kanye, I guess?)

I believe in you! (Be sure to follow me, but not in a creepy way. Okay, it can be a little creepy. Fangirl is cool, but I draw the line at stalker.)

The great thing about helpful articles like this one is that you can outsource your sense of achievement to me.

That’s just one of many services that we successful writers are willing to do for less successful writers. We’re happy to absorb all your time with the same repetitive faff and permit you to drive our increased success. It’s our burden to bear.

But it’s okay, because you get something out of it: optimism.

Fifth: Oh, yeah, Write something sometimes.

“I wrote the story myself. It’s about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.” — Mae West (Definitely related to Kanye.)

Someone once told me that Medium is a place to write stories. He sounded pretty convincing, which might have been primarily due to how his dark eyelashes kept batting away snowflakes.

I mean, I guess you could also write on Medium in order to have some success with your blog. That’s not the strategy I keep hearing about, but it could work, I guess.

Sixth: Screw up a lot.

“There are no good girls gone wrong — just bad girls found out.” — Mae West (In fact, I’m beginning to become suspicious that Mae is Kanye’s alter ego)

I had overnight success, if you ignore all the time and work and mistakes. Which I do. Those were just sort of fluky. Only the success REALLY happened.

Look, when it’s time for it, there are as many paths for success as there are strivers. There are as many tricks as days, as much truth as failure, and for every charlatan promising the fire of the gods for ninety-nine cents and a wink there are a thousand quiet people inching their ways towards whatever destiny they’re bound for.

There may be a magical formula for feeling liked and important. I bet there is, actually. For me, I know that it has something to do with my writing. And I get it.

I understand the thrill from seeing promises by people who’ve found the key to unlocking the infinite frustration that is trying to make your writing visible after you’ve already slaved over writing it.

I get the wish that this time it won’t be a snake oil salesman, preying on my frustration.

I get that.

They are onto something. Because there is one, guaranteed, absolute, infallible way of becoming an instantaneous success at anything.

Goes like this:

  1. Put in an ass load of work.
  2. Become a success.
  3. Then pretend you didn’t put in an ass load of work.

Instant, overnight success story achieved.

I’ll leave you with a quote from Mae West:

“When I’m good I’m very, very good, but when I’m bad, I’m better.” — Mae “Kanye” West

The best part of being a mime is never having to say I’m sorry.