The last hack you will ever need to fix your life.

“A barista pouring coffee into a mug that says ugh on it at Bar Nine” by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

“Upon my word, there is nothing in the world so easy to explain as failure — it is, after all, what every body does all the time.” — Susanna Clarke

Listen, none of us have the time to put work into fixing our lives.

There is no time between all the snacking and napping and hurrying to do something so vague as to improve ourselves.

The next seasons of Game of Thrones and The Man in the High Castle and Black Sails are all coming down the pike for us, and like the pop culture consuming squirrels we are we need to lay away supplies for the two weeks of binging we need to embark on merely to maintain our status as a human being.

We do not have the time to become better people.

What we really need is one simple, quick hack to fix our whole life at one swoop.

Fortunately for you, through years of research and dedicated testing — which, as far as you know, is actually true — I have discovered that one trick.

The Comprehensive List of the Last Bio-Hack You Will Ever Need for the Rest of Your Squirrely Life!

  1. Screw up less.

That’s all, really.

1. Screw Up Less

“It’s not how far you fall, but how high you bounce that counts.” — Zig Ziglar

As one of my exes once said to me…

I’m really struggling to think how to drag this out into any kind of useful length.

As my ex observed, sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you massage the subject, it’s going to take as long as it takes, and sometimes that’s not very long.

I mean, we all screw up a lot. That’s sort of how we can tell we’re human.

So if you want to jump start your career and your love life and drive all of your enemies into slavering, voiceless fits of envy, just screw up less.

You don’t even have to stop screwing up. You can still screw up sometimes. I reckon you can keep screwing up quite a lot. After all, people screw up so much that if you screw up slightly less than the national average, you’re far and away on your way to transcending into practical legendary status.

That’s about it.

“When you play it safe, you’re not expressing the utmost of your human experience.” — Lupita Nyong’o

Photo by Timo Vijn on Unsplash

Since I can’t think of anything else to say about that, I’ll list off a bunch of famous screw ups and failures in history, so you can feel better about your squirrel self.

So you can see what not to do.

  • Adolf Hitler
    Sure, he wrote a hit book, Mein Kampf. But he never finished the sequel, Unser Sieg.
  • David Bowie
    Never made it as a mime.
  • Barack Obama
    Failed standup comedian.
  • Muhammad Ali
    Spoken word album failed to chart. Career as slam poet died on reentry.
  • Orv Madden
    Founded Hot Topic. (In his defense, that was before it sold out. Although, it sold out because he literally sold out of it. So same-same.)
  • Isaac Asimov
    Never wrote a book on philosophy, and therefore never wrote a book in the 100s of the Dewey Decimal System category, i.e., Philosophy. The lazy putz.
  • Neil Armstrong
    Only walked, like, three hundred feet on the moon.
  • Caterpillars
    Case in point.

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