Just like all hip people, I’m de-cluttering my lifestyle.

William White | Unsplash

Living simpler. That’s the in thing. Decluttering. Getting back to our roots. Going paleo, whatever that means. Drinking raw water.

The first thing I’m getting rid of is freedom. Because, in reality, when was the last time it did anything for me? It just gets in the way. Always providing options to choose. All the best things are practically government issue anyway. They come in handy single-option packages.

They pretend like there are options. To create the illusion of individuality, the world has a Chipotle-style menu, which, just like a Chipotle-style menu, turns out to be filled with options that are pretty much just corn in different shapes, when you take a close look at them.

We may as well drop the charade and have a system with one option at time, but in three different sizes of too big. It would be refreshing to have a little honesty in the world.

You may take my freedom, but you can never have my Netflix. It won’t change my life that I can tell.

I mean, when was the last time you exercised freedom? Like real freedom? I don’t mean like freedom of religion or something misleading like that. They want you to have “freedom” of religion. “Freedom” of religion is like scrolling through Netflix when you’re alone with insomnia. You’ve got a choice between that major blockbuster you feel like you need to watch so that the people at work stop shunning you, or that Hungarian art film that the girl at the bar said she would ask you about but it looks weird, or that classical movie that you know you’d like because you keep reading about it on Reddit threads but you keep not watching because it’s black and white and you’re too tired to imagine colors.

Freedom means freedom to choose between everything.

Nobody wants to deal with that kind of pressure. Of course not. So I do what everyone does. I tune into the second season of Gilmore Girls every Sunday morning, or Saturday evening on busy weekends, and never bring it up at parties ever again.

Does that metaphor scan? Gilmore Girls is like a neighborhood Bible church: nothing wrong with it, really, and it’s comfy and convenient, so why not?

That’s what freedom will get you. Too many options. So why bother? Just choose the least annoying option and move on.

I know that, here in America, the great symbol of freedom that we all debate is our freedom to vote.

But that’s bollocks. I mean, have you done the math on this thing? Have you? I mean, I hope you have, because I’m shit at math, so you know, instead of math, here’s an example.

When I was a kid, I really liked sausage on my pizza.

Which had nothing to do with my sexual identity crisis at fifteen. Shut up.

Anyway, I liked sausage on my pizza.

But my two sisters liked onions and green bell pepper. Which I did not like.

And they got what they wanted, because they were louder.

That is your democracy in action. That is the freedom that your beloved voting gets you. It doesn’t matter what you think, because statistically speaking you are wrong at least half the time.

None of us want to deal with that kind of annoying mathematics. It’s far better to order yourself a separate pizza, which I can do now, I am told, because of all this money I’m saving on my taxes.

Nobody needs freedom, or nobody uses any of it anyway. I certainly never use any of mine. I just do what everybody else does. I show up to a job I don’t like for a paycheck I put right back into the “economy.” The economy, as far as I can make out, means in equal parts making sure that people who appear in tabloids keep appearing in tabloids and supporting the place where they keep all the alcohol.

Then, since I no longer have any money after driving the economy, I go back to the job that I complain about till my next government sanctioned pasturing.

It’s a universal cycle. We all do it. So why keep messing around with all the illusions holding us back from the purest expression of civic duty. Take away my freedom. I don’t mind. Never used the stuff anyway.

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The best part of being a mime is never having to say I’m sorry.

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Oliver “Shiny” Blakemore

Oliver “Shiny” Blakemore

The best part of being a mime is never having to say I’m sorry.

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