3 Lies to Add to Your List of Things You Tell People to Impress Them

  1. Lie about what you eat for breakfast.
  2. Lie about what you do for fun when you’re alone.
  3. Lie about the brainy groups you’ve joined.

When the rubber hits the road, it matters less what we accomplish and way more what all the shills in the world believe we accomplish.

I mean who decides, really, whether you get that promotion you’re after? Or if the cute dog walker you keep seeing in the neighborhood with that Newfoundland will go out for drinks with you? Or if your family will keep lending you money? Who decides all that? Is it the electrolyte-enhanced bloodstream and six-pack abs that you’re pretending to have, or does somebody else decide these things? Some schlemiel other than you who, conveniently, only knows anything about you because of what you tell them about yourself.

Exactly.

In the pursuit of genuine success and building the lifestyle for yourself that you always tell people at parties that you want for yourself, here are some excellent lies you can include in your repertoire of delusion to sabotage the confidence of the competition and set yourself head-and-shoulders over any other skeeze who comes along trying to muscle in on your turf.

All of these suggestions have been carefully selected to be the kind of thing that only nosy people could see through.

1. Lie about what you eat for breakfast.

“I always have liquid breakfasts. Protein shakes with electro-mag infused cucumbers, radishes, açai berries, and Jack fruit. Every day. Really keeps me clean.”

It’s always good to include a word that starts with “electro-” when you talk about the ingredients of your protein shakes, since it makes you sound scientific, and there’s the bonus that, in a week or two, everyone at the office will be telling each other that they totally need to have more electro-mag infused fruit in their diet.

2. Lie about what you do for fun when you’re alone.

“I never like to distract myself from my goals, so I never watch any TV or movies or anything like that. The only entertainment I have in my life anymore is doing stretches while listening to Baroque music.”

You need to make it Baroque, because then if anyone asks you for some recommendations, you can just name Italian dishes at them till they go away. All Baroque composers had names that sound like Italian food.

3. Lie about the brainy clubs you’ve joined.

“I’m taking this really exclusive group all about ‘how to develop your Mind Palace.’ Yeah, it’s really exclusive.”

The word ‘exclusive.’ That’s all you need to know about in groups. Doesn’t matter what schmucky thing you say they do there. Just need to say it’s exclusive.

These things are great. Basically, they make you sound amazing, but nobody can check whether you’re doing them or not. No one except nosy people, and you can always blackmail them.

The key isn’t improving your life. The best way to improve your life that I know of is to eat more donuts and binge more Twilight Zone than you could call good for you, strictly speaking.

Because let’s face it, guys: The real secret to living a life that’s too good to be true is indulging in a rich fantasy world that you’re all too happy to talk about to anyone who’ll sit still for more two seconds.

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Oliver “Shiny” Blakemore

Oliver “Shiny” Blakemore

The best part of being a mime is never having to say I’m sorry.